How to Be More Assertive in a Relationship: A Quick Guide

Assertiveness is an essential skill for maintaining healthy relationships, allowing you to express your needs, desires, and boundaries in a clear and respectful manner. Building assertiveness in a relationship can be challenging, but it ensures that both partners are equally responsible for their happiness and well-being. So how do you become more assertive?

Listening actively and expressing your needs and feelings are the best ways to become more assertive in a relationship. Setting boundaries and using ‘I’ statements helps build confidence and assertiveness in a relationship without being aggressive or toxic.

Becoming more assertive is a continuous learning process that leads to stronger communication, increased confidence, and mutual understanding. In this article, we’ll look at what assertiveness is and how to develop those skills in your relationship. 

What is Assertiveness in a Relationship?

Assertiveness is a social ability that depends on successful communication while also showing consideration for the opinions and desires of others. In a relationship, assertiveness plays a crucial role in building a strong foundation based on honesty, trust, and respect. 

Being assertive lets you express your feelings, desires, and needs clearly and confidently, ultimately leading to healthier and more satisfying relationships.

It is important to be assertive in your relationship because it helps you:

  • Communicate your feelings and needs effectively
  • Stand up for your point of view without violating others’ rights and beliefs
  • Improve your self-esteem and gain respect from your partner
  • Reduce stress and manage conflicts better.

Assertiveness Vs. Aggressiveness Vs. Passiveness

Being assertive is often confused with being aggressive or passive, but it’s essential to recognise the difference so that you can communicate more effectively in your relationship.

Examples of assertiveness in a relationship include:

  • You express your feelings, needs, and desires clearly and respectfully
  • You maintain open lines of communication with your partner
  • You find a balance between your own needs and those of your partner
  • You take responsibility for your actions and respect others’ rights and beliefs.

Examples of aggressiveness in a relationship include:

  • You don’t hesitate to express your feelings, needs, or desires but often do so in a way that may hurt or dominate the other person
  • You prioritise your needs without considering the other person’s perspective
  • You often engage in blaming or accusing behaviour

Examples of passiveness in a relationship include:

  • You have difficulty expressing your feelings, needs, or desires
  • You often avoid conflicts and give in to others’ demands
  • You may struggle with self-esteem and feel that your needs are not important

When interacting with your partner, aim for an assertive communication style that allows you to express yourself honestly and respectfully. This will foster a more positive and balanced relationship. Remember, assertiveness in a relationship is a skill that can be developed and practised over time.

Assessing Your Relationship Communication Style

Every relationship has a different communication style; it happens when any two people come together. An essential part of developing your assertiveness in a relationship is to take stock of the communication style in your relationship, so you can see how assertiveness can help improve your dynamic with your partner.

Identifying Patterns

In order to become more assertive in your relationship, it’s crucial first to assess your current communication style. Start by identifying patterns of communication between you and your partner. Take note of how you typically express your feelings, needs, and concerns. 

Some questions to consider might include:

  • Are you often passive, indirect, or avoidant when discussing sensitive topics?
  • Do you struggle to stand up for yourself or your beliefs in conversations with your partner?
  • Do you tend to resort to aggressive or dismissive behaviour when conflicts arise?

By reflecting on these questions, you can better understand the areas in which you may need improvement and develop a more assertive communication style.

Recognising Emotional Triggers

Understanding your emotional triggers is another key aspect of enhancing your communication within a relationship. Identifying the situations or topics that provoke intense emotions, such as anger or hurt, can help you better manage your reactions and communicate your needs more assertively.

To recognise your emotional triggers, consider:

  • Reflecting on past conflicts or emotionally charged conversations
  • Journaling about your feelings and exploring the underlying factors
  • Assessing how you tend to respond when triggered (e.g., shutting down, lashing out)

By becoming more aware of your emotional triggers, you can learn to communicate effectively and assertively, even in challenging situations. The goal is to express your feelings, needs, and boundaries in a way that fosters understanding and respect from both you and your partner.

Developing Assertiveness Skills

Assertive skills aren’t necessarily something you’re born with; they are skills you can learn and develop. By using ‘I’ statements, listening actively, setting boundaries and expressing your needs and feelings, you can develop assertive skills in a natural and healthy way with your partner.

Listening Actively

To improve assertiveness in your relationship, start by actively listening to your partner. Practice being attentive, maintaining eye contact, and understanding their emotions. This allows you to better empathise with your partner and respond effectively. 

Here are some pointers for active listening:

  • Maintain eye contact
  • Ask open-ended questions to encourage elaboration
  • Paraphrase or summarise what you’ve heard to show understanding

Expressing Your Needs and Feelings

Being assertive involves expressing your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully. Remember that you have the right to express yourself without fear or guilt.

Healthy ways of expressing your needs and feelings in an assertive way include:

  • Speaking clearly and calmly
  • Being specific about your needs or requests
  • Avoiding blaming or accusatory language

Using ‘I’ Statements

Using ‘I’ statements can help you convey your message without sounding accusatory or aggressive. They focus on your feelings and perspective instead of blaming your partner. 

Structure ‘I’ statements like this:

  • State your feelings: “I feel…”
  • Describe the situation or behaviour: “When…”
  • Explain the impact or consequences of the situation: “Because…”
  • Suggest a solution: “I would prefer…”

For example, “I feel hurt when you ignore my calls, because it makes me feel unimportant. I would prefer it if you could let me know when you’re busy so I don’t worry.”

Setting Boundaries

Establishing boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship and being assertive. Setting boundaries is an essential foundation upon which healthy relationships are built, allowing you to both know where each other’s boundaries lie to avoid overstepping them.

Easy ways to start setting assertive boundaries in your relationships include:

  • Be clear about your limits and expectations.
  • Express your boundaries respectfully, using ‘I’ statements.
  • Consistently enforce your boundaries.


Assertiveness is not about dismissing your partner’s needs or controlling the outcome. Instead, it’s about finding a balance between both of your desires. By practising assertiveness, you’ll build a foundation of effective communication and mutual respect, allowing both of you to thrive in your relationship.

Recent Posts